of lines and walls...

heaps of them..
them, and of lines and walls..
strident, clangorous recalls..

embroiled, entangled with Them!
them wretched emotions!
them miserable thoughts!
cry the skies and oceans..

suppression? expression..
it's what you make out of it..
take it as it comes.

leave it as it goes.

*Memory's Kiss.

..as i rummage through those memories
i can see me running around in the open space..
leaning against a stone pillar, i look at those trees.
a tear finds its way down my face..

i stroll through the passage,
walk up the royal staircase..
gingerly touching the banister..
i sit down.. unable to leave this place..

through the arched window,
for years on end did i see the bustling street below,
i see myself in the distance, on that street..
looking up at me..

i peek into the old library..
the comforting shelves and spaces in between
smile when they see their reflection in my watery eyes..
the quiet fan rotates noisily to welcome me..

i run down to the sand-pit..
and climb to the top-bar of the jungle-gym..
I'm the queen of the world i am.
all over again..

i plonk myself onto the race-track..
to find myself surrounded by lemons and spoons..
and batons and sacks..
the vacuum.. i want to go back..

i look up at the old bell..
the saving grace when the boring ones droned..
my ribbon still tied on its rope..
i embrace it.. thinking it more alive than most people i know..

my eyes glisten with tears as i stand outside the office..
where you sculpted what i am, out of the miserable lump of dark clay that i was..
i see my artwork pinned up on your board..
and imagine my letters in your desk drawers..

i walk into the room which most never wanted to enter..
but it's the room where i was groomed, and packaged..
so that i could be sold to the most difficult customer..
that being me..

i sit on your chair..
and feel a rush within..
as i see myself walking up to me,
to say thank you.

i run towards the terrace..
three floors up..
i know the way..
inside me.. i walk through you everyday.

i stop at the door.. n sink down to the floor..
remembering all the times i came here to do what I'm doing now..
weeping hard...
i run my finger over the words I've etched into the stone wall..

words I'd never say to anyone..
something I'd never feel again..
so i trace every letter..
almost re-writing those words..

how i wish.
how i wish.

how i want.
to be etching those letters for the first time round..


walking out slowly..
all these images form a soft, dense cloud..
the atmosphere in and out, almost holy..
having swam through all of this, my heart pounding loud..

more than once have i wished,
for my arms to be long enough to wrap around you..
no more is that needed,
for my heart is what you have kissed.

agony sometimes.. ecstasy other times..
silence somewhere.. in the realms of cacophony filled thoughts..
i find solace in you.. because of you...
coming closer to you, i will continue to pursue..

--

(for my first love - J.B. Petit High School for Girls)